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I've decided to post a blog on some funny jokes 'n' stories I've heard from various people and books. Just so I can type something. Read if you want some good laughs (WARNING: Viewer discretion is advised).

A man has the words "I Love You" tattooed to his dick. He goes home to his wife, the wife says "Stop trying to put words in my mouth!"

An old Jewish guy is walking down an alleyway, sees a lamp, picks it up, dusts it off, and a genie pops out. The genie says "I can grant you one wish." The old Jewish guy pulls out a crumpled map. He says, "you see this area? It's called the Middle-East. There's been nothing but war and bloodshed there for centuries. Can you do something about it?" The genie replies, "even with my power, I can't do anything about that. Do you have another wish?" So the old Jewish guy says, "I've been married for over 40 years and my wife has not once given me a blowjob. Could you get her to do that? Just once?" And the genie says, "...can I take a look at that map again?"

A convict just got sent to prison. He's sitting there, crying, and an older convict sits down next to him and says, "look prison ain't so bad. Uh, you like movies?" The first convict says, "yeah I love 'em." "Every Monday they show a movie on the screen. You like baseball?" "Yes, it was my favourite sport." "Every Tuesday we arrange a baseball game. You like Italian food?" "Yeah!" "In the cafeteria they serve Italian stuff all Wednesday. Lemme ask ya one more thing. Are you a homosexual?" "Uh, no..." "Ah you're not gonna like Thursday.."

A father goes into his son's room. He says, "Son if you keep masturbating you're gonna go blind." The son says "I'm over here, dad."

A vampire goes to a bar and asks for a cup of hot water. When he gets it, he takes out a used tampon, dips it in the cup. The bartender says "what are you doin'?" The vampire says, "I'm making tea."

Three gay guys are sitting in a hot tub. Suddenly a bunch of bubbles and sperm break at the surface. One of the guys say, "Alright who farted?"

A man goes to a doctor. The doctor gives him suppositories. A week later, the man comes back and says "these aren't working." The doctor says, "are you sure you're taking them right?" The man replies with, "Of course I am! What am I supposed to do, shove 'em up my ass?"

A guy was doing his girlfriend and says to her, "You got a tight cunt and no tits." The girl says, "Get off my back."

When the guy took her home she said "kiss me where it smells." So he drove her to New Jersey.

A man goes to his doctor, as so many men do in these jokes, and says, "doc I got a really embarrassing problem. I keep letting off these silent farts - oop, there goes one now, and they're really smelly and nasty-oh, I just let off another. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first off, you're going deaf."

A boy comes home and says, "dad! I got my first blowjob!" His dad says, "great son, how was it?" The son said, "Tasted awful."

A week later, the boy comes home and says, "dad today I had sex with my English teacher!" His dad replies, "well that's great son you are now officially a man. So are you gonna do it again tomorrow?" "Nah, I gotta give my ass a few days to heal."

The boy comes home again the next week and says, "dad! Today the teacher asked a question that only I could answer!" Dad goes "great! what was the question?" The boy says, "who farted?"

Key Words: Jokes Funny Laugh Mature

Let's talk about the language known to most as English.

First of all. It shouldn't really be dubbed English if it's in America. Shouldn't it be dubbed American? Mexicans speak a language very similar to Spanish, but its proper name is Mexican. English is spoken in England. That's where it originated from. English and American languages are very similar, but there are enough differences for it to be announced its own language (why do you think folks from Portugal chatter in Portugese and not Spanish?).

Another thing about English speakers in America. If you decide to live in this country, please try to speak the most common language. Right now it's American (English). I'm tired of going to a store, just to have a group of illegal immigrators blabber in Mexican. How the hell can I tell you where to get fake passports if I can't understand a word you're saying? It is truly annoying, and makes me feel like I stand out in a bad light (and also, why the hell are you sneaking across the border to a country that probably sucks just as bad as your own? We've got enough trouble over here. You're better off staying put).

Back to the American English. Follows are some words and phrases that I believe don't belong as proper part of speaking. The word "phat". Yeah, I'm talking about the pee-eich-ay-tee version. Who came up with this useless word? It's only used by clothing manufacturers to try and get listless teens interested in their stuff. Unneeded.

The word bling. This is used by supposedly rich morons who haven't heard of the word lavish. If you hear someone use the term ("bling bling"), get the eff away from that person immediately.

Any word that ends in "izzle". Snizzle, foshizzle, nizzle...c'mon. These are not words. This is baby talk for ghetto rats. You know, those who dropped out of school on purpose when they were twelve and ended up hanging around crack dens and getting high off cheap hairspray. These words make the average human look like an uneducated doofus.

I don't care if these words were added to Webster's Dictionary, they're not words to me. Try to clean up the language, and you'll soon see that people can be somewhat smarter. Somewhat.

I'm done here. Go home.

Key Words: Rant Grammar English True Language

Only people like us can do such things to this country we inherited
(well, we didn't really inherit it, we stole it from the Mexicans and the
Indians but it was nice when we stole it). It was pristine, paradise.
Have you seen it lately? Have you taken a good long look?
Only people like Americans can take this beautiful country and turn it
into what it is today: a shopping mall. Mile after mile of mall after mall.
America; just one coast-to-coast cesspool.
Americans love the mall anyway, because it's the place where they can fulfill
their two main needs, shopping and eating. They're just huge shapeless flabs
of protoplasm lumbering through the malls like a fleet of interstate buses.
But if you were to pull one aside and tell 'em about the low IQ and the constant
eating and the non-stop obesity problems, they just spring right on to education.
We need more money for the schools, they say. We need better teachers, better
textbooks, better exams.
Well you know we tried all of that but the kids still don't pass the tests.
Ah, don't you worry, they say, we'll lower the passing grades.
So that's what they do. They lower the passing grades, more kids pass, the school looks
good, everyone's happy, the IQ of the country drops another three or four points, and
pretty soon, all you need to get into college is a ruddy pencil!
Got a pencil? Get in there, it's Physics.

Key Words: America Dumb Rant True

I wanna blow off some steam here that I haven't been able to do in a while.
Lemme start by talking about really weird and useless stuff I've noticed in the industry.
Electric toothbrushes. Who came up with THAT? Why can't you just buy a cheap
$1 brush and use that? Electric toothbrushes are for the insanely lazy. Yeah; they're
just so you can save two seconds in brushing your biters. And often the effect is crap -
you can get so much more white if you use a regular toothbrush.
Here's one that befuddles: scented toilet paper. Who buys toilet paper that has an aroma??
It's just going up your butt after you've been sitting on the toilet! What, you want your
ass to smell like crap-covered roses? It makes no sense! Especially since the now dirty paper
is flushed down with the rest of the waste. It's a waste, there's no need to buy wiping paper
that smells nice for five minutes.
One more before I wrap this up. Cell phones. It's not so much the phone itself, rather its what
people will use it for. Most cell phones today come with video capability, a camcorder, enough
space to save that 3D tetris game that the intern Joe made (sure to sell 3 copies), and even the ability
to play music. It's becoming less of a mobile telephone and more like an MP3 player that you make
payments on. I'd rather get an iPod and save that $70 spent each month, wouldn't you?

Thanks for reading, this has been my rant on useless inventions best suited for firewood or paperweights.

Key Words: Rant Ranting