Hooray! It has been ten weeks since this weekly rant first started. And now, this week's rant will be extra-big with extra-bashes. Let's begin.

This Week's Rant No.1: Fat People

I've been holding out on the fat bashes, but now I think I should let loose. One thing I've noticed about America is that around 50% of the population are "overweight". I prefer the terms "obese", "morbidly obese", "incredibly chubby", "interstate bus". It has been scientifically proven that fat cells cannot be part of the body at birth. So you can't get away with the excuse "genetically fat". And big bones? C'mon. A T-rex had big bones. Godzilla had big bones. If you had big bones, you would be ten feet tall, not ten feet wide. Fat people are like that because they want to have heart attacks and strokes, so they gorge out whenever they can. YOU did this to yourself, not God. Not Jesus. Not the pleasingly attractive bargain at the all-you-can-eat restaurant. YOU did. Stop lying to yourself, and hit the weights. Also, those get-thin-quick schemes? The ones that let you eat cakes and sugar-coated stuff? Scams. All scams. None of them work. Let me repeat that. NONE OF THEM WORK. The ONLY way to drop all that flabiness is with diet and excersize! Stop being such a lazy couch potato! And don't blame me! Why should you lash out at me? I told you before; this is the truth. If you keep hiding from the truth, then the world will never be free of big problems like global warming and cancer. And obesity.

In The News No.1: Stoned Stupids See Sun Sail At Stonehenge

A bunch of (drunken) people sat at Stonehenge on Friday evening and watched the sun break on the morning of Saturday. This is news, apparently. Somebody thought to tell the rest of the world, instead of telling us who died in Iraq or which celebrity molestered a child. Let's leave the parties at home, hmm?

This Week's Rant No.2: You Are An Idiot If...

...you wonder where the "Any" key is on your keyboard when the screen says "Press any key".

...you vote Democrat.

...you vote Republican.

...you vote both.

...the time you faced danger and laughed was the time you drank milk past the expiration date.

...you use Braille on one of those teller machines.

...you think a quarterback is a refund.

...when dialing 911 you can't find the eleven key.

...you write frustrating instructions like "Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery" on a bottle of baby medicine.

...you purchase something only to find out that it was much cheaper elsewhere.

...you hire a plumber to grow a plum tree orchard.

...you try putting your dentures in the dishwasher.

...you use a computer mouse as a foot pedal.

...you use a cell phone for anything except calling people.

...you write bad reviews for this blog.

Got any more to add to the list? Post 'em in your replies!

In The News No.2: NY woman Accused of Punching Flight Attendant

Just because she wasn't allowed to smoke on the plane. People, these cancer sticks are becoming as bad as AIDs. I hope you all choke, swallow one, and have it burning your lungs for the rest of your life. No Smoking means NO SMOKING. You can easily live without those foul cigarettes. Cold turkey? Doesn't exist. It's all in your mind. I had a friend who said he'd quit smoking. You know what he did? He quit smoking! The moment he put down the thing for good he felt so much better. Oh, I know what you're thinking. "I don't care. I'm gonna keep sucking this thing like it was my father's dick. I'll die much later on." Yeah well when it is time for you to die, you'll realise that smoking took away more years than you expected. And cigar smokers? Well...that's a very heavy beating on your lungs. If somebody wants to put a big, steaming hot turd in his mouth, who am I to judge? They'll meet their demise as well.

Actually, when you think about it, all smoking is is basically you paying $50 a week to have about 30 years taken off your life. So, you don't smoke, you save money, and you live longer. And avoid having a trache ring installed in your throat.

Weekly Thoughts

I feel kinda sorry for bisexuals. Can you just imagine wanting to f*** everybody you meet? Man, think of all the phone numbers they come home with. Might as well walk around with the phone book under your arm.

Although it's true that blondes have more fun, one must also put into thought that they have more venereal disease.

Professional soldiers are people who die for a living.